The Saga of Shallow Hagface (SH) and Blustery Bob (BB)

“It will be elocution lessons for my girl
so she will be included in the social whirl.”
And when Dad listened to word-of-mouth,
she became college-bound down south.

She spent the whole of her first year
not going out with a man who was near.
He found another girl; she knew this would occur.
Too late, she had realized he was the one for her.

Dates were a dither of what to wear.
Would this look right with the colour of her hair?
Should she wear this or maybe that?
Just wear anything and go for a chat.

The following Autumn at college again
she met Blustery Bob, and he did remain.
Here were two people attracted by their deficits.
You could hardly say it was by their assets.

He was affable and inclined to shrug.
She was uptight and avoided a hug.
Any awkward event he would laugh off
and she found any reason to go into a huff.

He was an amiable pub shuffler, guffaw guy,
laughing at every occasion – but why?
She was indecisive with low self-esteem.
A person of confidence was her dream.

She was always available for something better.
For him – lack of women – was a fetter.
When college had ended, Bob was still there.
And Hagface found nobody else anywhere.

If you ask SH what she can remember
about those three years that began in September,
she will say she cannot remember anyone,
that was because she didn’t have much fun.

When BB proposed to her with a small ring,
she realized it was better than having nothing.
The wedding went ahead on a cold day.
Her knees then shook all of the way.

I suppose both of them thought they were a catch,
but actually it was a loveless game, set and match.
They had a comfortable but miserable existence
and she maintained a disciplined silence.

The following year further south they did go,
but she was depressed by the setup you know.
Bob had no prospects, and no money,
and SH was hardly – bees to the honey!

For a northerner trying to earn a crust,
social mobility down south was a must.
For him – she was the best he could find,
for her – it wasn’t what she had in mind.

A Scarlett O’Hara moment would explain –
“I will never ever be poor again.
I do know how to play this game –
opportunism is my second name.”

SH would work – no income tax filed –
when along came the obligatory child.
Now they had the cement and the glue
to hold the marriage together – anew.

SH and BB would reinvent themselves
and copy how others got off such shelves.
First, they have to live in the right place
and social climb at quite a pace.

They agreed that status symbols were the way
to show local people, they were here to stay.
Private schools and riding lessons were the way to go,
to prove they were able to keep up with the show.

In order to finance these new plans well,
Hagface would convince her mother to sell.
If her house up north was put up for sale,
they would benefit, and their plans wouldn’t fail.

Fake, deceive or imitate your way,
so that you can copy without delay.
That is the neighbourhood where you intend to stay
and the social climber’s bible is read every day.

SH, anxious to know what was the current trend,
said BB should work with computers, like a friend.
They added two more to the brood
and now they knew how they stood.

“Be near the grandchildren,” SH would say,
“Sell your house and move down our way.”
Her mother was then put into a room on her own;
there was no place for her in their new home.

Her mother moved from a house to a room,
then an illness forced her to a nursing home.
“Well, if that is for her the only way –
we will make sure that we don’t pay.”

No feeling, no conscience, no empathy,
to cheat the system use others’ money.
SH was role-playing as –Mrs. Astute,
and had her mother declared – destitute.

She had worked out that this was the way
to make sure that other people would pay.
When asked what type of cancer she had,
she said – “It’s terminal – isn’t that sad.”

SH became involved locally
and on the Council she would be.
Meanwhile, BB took up golf
to avoid her on his day off.

To get into the races there was only one way –
that was to sell some pins from a tray.
No high-class invitations came their way,
so a picnic at a polo match made their day.

He said – “She was never at home for me,
but always out on some committee.”
Then she took courses at Open University
and he looked elsewhere for tea and sympathy.

She had the latest car model for people to see,
but in private, they were always pleading poverty.
All ambitions were pointed towards their status,
but any questions of soul were on hiatus.

When challenged, SH protested and flapped her arms.
BB said nobody was fooled by faked charms.
“With those phoney gestures you think you can fool?
Get a charm refresher course and go back to school.”

She was determined to complete further education;
for him, it depleted any of her domestication.
A perfectionist hides fear of failure, of course.
There is an obsessive need at its source.

He didn’t support, but chose to attack,
and her icy façade began to crack.
He had called her names for more than 10 years,
and she was undermined by his jeers.

She would not go with him on holidays alone,
as they always argued when they were on their own.
Then she vowed not to go with him at all
and decided to give her old school friends a call.

Her born-again pals she tried to enthrall;
they would go abroad – old hens all.
Did they realize that while they were away,
the old roosters would be able to play?

In the world of social status and the right toys,
sooner or later, the men will be boys.
This outcome holds no surprises
when an opportunity arises.

He didn’t care if she called an old friend,
but he did care how much she would spend.
He complained she did nothing at home
and all her meetings left him alone.

There was no bridge for the distance between them
and the rampant materialism was no solution.
Shackled together by financial bonds,
it was difficult to break those monetary wands.

There was a way to patch up everything.
She had seen a course on modern counselling.
Attraction by deficits was how they began,
and now to define a new woman and man.

From low self-esteem and confidence,
SH now with BB took her own stance.
They plotted the diagram of power and submission
and came up with the best of the worst situation.

A spell apart in a separate property
was where SH wanted to be.
They sold their house and split into two.
Would this their relationship renew?

The reality was this marriage failed at the start
burying insecurity and inadequacy was just a part.
Her own parents’ divorce had given her much stress,
so she strived to make a sham union look like a success.

The next step to solve the conflict and strife
was to emigrate and start a new life.
Is there a moral to this boring story?
Yes – the desire for money shows little empathy.

So, they stayed together, but at what cost?
They could pretend there was no love lost.
From this dysfunctional saga, don’t forget
that a deficit can become an asset!